Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield