Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.
Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o clock.
Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman