George Burns

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
George Burns

Life's but a day at most.
George Burns

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
George Burns

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns

How can I die? I'm booked.
George Burns

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
George Burns

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
George Burns

Be quick to learn and wise to know.
George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
George Burns

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
George Burns

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
George Burns

At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
George Burns

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
George Burns

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.
George Burns

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns